Snapshot: Lola

So what happened, what was that click that made me kayak?

Well I was on this hiking kick, big hiking kick and I was doing the Hardy Ridge Trail Loop over in Washington State.  When I got to the hike I talked to the ranger and talked about my fear of exposure and he said it was steep but I would be fine.

So the first 4 miles were fine, nice equestrian path, wide, no shear drop offs, steep but good for a nice calf burn, nothing crazy.  At one point we saw a black bear, for this NYC girl that was pretty damn exciting.  We kind of looked at each other and the normal things of "should I run or act big" did not run through my head, what ran through my head was "can I get my phone out and get a picture for FB in time".  Yeah FB is no doubt the cause of many deaths in our country that we don't yet have statistics on.

So me and my girls walk,  we get to the end of the equestrian part of the loop, there is a little sign next to the little trail saying hikers only.  So by now I have invested 4 miles into this hike. I can't turn back now.  The internet said there were some incredible views at the top, I had to see.  So I continue.  I continue on the steepest, narrowest path I have ever been on.  1 foot wide, I kid you not.  At a certain point while I am hugging the wall of the mountain I just tell myself "you have no choice but to keep on going, going back is soooo not an option (that looked scary as hell) and you don't want to live up here so get moving".  I took some deep breaths, worked through my panic, focused on just the ground in front of me and trekked on.

I get to the top, made some friends, freaked out at the propensity of falling to my death and completely in awe of the view.  Took a wonderful picture or two while I had my ass attached to the ground.  Freaked out every time one my dogs climbed around the edges.

I met two guys up there and instead of letting them see me freak out more and having a lovely snack with them I decided to bolt down the mountain, because this was my Everest and I wanted down.  So this was a loop.  Thank god.  Because if I had to go down what was known in my head, it just wasn't happening.  There would have to be some gorgeous and really strong rescue guys involved in getting my fat ass down.

The only thing saving me was the fact that it was the unknown.  So I proceeded.  Mostly on my ass because steep was kind of an understatement.  I just got on my ass and scooted down the other side.  Muttering little things to myself about just going and not dying and that this 10 mile loop wasn't going to kill me.

So I made it. 10 miles, 2200ft elevation climb and a wicked wicked sunburn, because apparently the sun is a lot brighter when you climb up 2200ft.  And this is where we circle back in the story to my original topic.  Sunday morning roles around, I am beyond sunburned so I am not allowed to be outside playing.  So I decided to go shopping.  Somewhere up on Everest I decided that being down on water was more appealing, I think it was here:

So me with my wicked sunburn rolled into Next Adventure (NA) here in Portland, OR and I just started talking to the person behind the counter, Sam doing my usual flirting and fun play thing I do with everybody.  Now my NA shopping adventure is a whole other story but I started walking around looking at the Kayaks, looking at their weight capacity because that is one thing I am limited by.  I need something to be able to support my ass, kind of important.

And then I saw her.  I saw her and knew her name and knew she would get anything she wanted from me.  I saw Lola:

She is kind of a big girl, but that is okay I love her and her badunk-a-dunk booty.  And I didn't realize it at the time but she weighs 59lbs, the exact amount of weight I had lost to date at that time.  I realized that a couple weeks later when I was getting strong enough to lift her solo on and off my car, that I used to walk around with that much extra weight on me.

I fell in love with an orange and yellow boat.  Love at first sight.  She has ruled my life since.

I didn't buy her in that moment.  I went online did some research on fat girls that kayak, not a lot out there so I made some leaps of faith.  Took a class with a cute instructor from NA, aren't they all just cute?  Sheesh.  I think Kayaks lure cute boys into their grasps so they are well represented in the community.  That or I am just blinded by love of the kayaks.  So I did some due diligence.  Then I got a rack put on my car and I spent 4 hours harassing all the NA sales people and buying stuff and away I went.

I found something that feeds my soul.  After 36 years I have something that makes me smile from deep inside.  I never had that before.  I felt like there was something wrong with me because I hadn't found it yet.

What makes you smile from deep within?

Start of a Journey (Just a little delayed)

As I paddled today I realized I have stories to tell and to share.  To what end, problem cyber never-never land.  I understand that but for me documenting this will be something to look back on and feel great about.

The thing about this feeling that flows through me, I never want to lose it.  If I have to put words to screen to remember for the days that I might lose my path then so be it.

A couple weeks ago on a paddle down the Willamette to the Blues Festival in Portland, OR I had a woman say, "You are an inspiration." when I talk about how I just do what I do.  I jokingly say, "Nooo! Don't feed the ego".  Because I am a pretty girl and have a strong sense of who I am and my ego is pretty big as is...  But in reality I think I am starting to get it and it isn't ego talking it is a reality of our world that I seem to be doing something people have a hard time doing.  Breaking out of their defined existence.  Definitions put on us from various sources, skin color, sexual orientation, physical ailments, psychological ailments and I could go on.

For me there is one item that defines in so many ways because it is there on the table, in the room and in the mirror and in my head and it is the same for a lot of America these days.

I am fat.

A am fat-fit.

However you would like to describe me I refuse to get into a box and be defined by the extra weight and have it limit me.  Does it limit me?  Of course it does.  Hell if I can do a pull up at the gym (yet), but can I modify most things to work with how my body is now, yes.  100% yes.  Will that help me get to where I want to be?  Gosh I hope so but if it doesn't I am having a hell of a good time along the way.

As I paddled down the Columbia River today I saw people of all sizes walking along the water.  Most of them looked at me and smiled and waved.  I wonder, are they smiling because they see a fat girl on a kayak and that just has to be amusing?  Are they smiling because I am out there on the water and they understand, wish they could be out there with me?  Are they just that friendly?

I like to think it's because they see a fat girl kayaking.


This blog will be used to explore my kayak journey.  So I have it written.  I may have missed documenting the first month of my journey but I will snapshot back to those moments and capture what I can from the feelings that were there that still reside in me today.

I am breaking out of my "defined box". Will I wait for the weight to be gone to live my life and be me, oh hell no.

How are you breaking out?