Even now a few days later it is hard to write about this because it was a very intense experience that brought me back to a reality.
You see I have an ego. A really strong one, I know shocking, right? Never would have guessed. Well I do and I own it. I try to tell people to not feed the ego because it is already on the heavy side, but mostly I myself take it to whole new levels. Well my ego got smacked upside the head pretty hard.
I had a bad feeling about the run from go. When kayak boy mentioned it to me I just had this moment of feeling that made me tell him later to keep a good eye on me because I just had a bad feeling. Being the daughter of a clairvoyant and having a handful of my own moments in this world of having premonitions didn't help the situation. So I went into it with the wrong energy, flat out. My nerves were already on edge. Next time I will know then to just get off the water and not venture farther than the put in. Next time I will listen to the voice in my head. I should have been filled with nervous excitement, not nervous fear. Recipe for disaster.
We set out. I wiped out. I wiped out again and again. After the 3rd swim and a lecture from an ex cop (the latter of which helped the most of all...) my nerves were shot. But we were out on the river on a remote run, there wasn't much that could be done except me breaking down. There I am wet and in my boat and my energy just jolted by the reality that I was in over my head and that if I continued down the river what I had seen earlier in the week in my head was going to come true. One of the ladies on the run appropriately named "Momma Bear" shooed all the men away from me including kayak boy who went across the river to talk to some fishermen. I had made a comment that maybe the hill people could take me down river and somehow that unknown fate would be better than the predicament I was in. So I sat there, broken and vulnerable which is a fair rarity for me. I don't do the "weakest link" very well. I only know how to be strong for myself and everybody else. Since I was little I learned to avoid situations that would get me hurt/killed because nobody else was there to do it. So I was very adept at keeping my situations and surroundings in control.
Here I was in tears on a remote section of the river being told female secrets that I cannot tell in a blog out of pure respect for the source they came from. Come out with me on a river, if you have boobs I will disclose them, otherwise you are out of luck. She did a fantastic job of talking to me. The problem is once my brain goes to that rare spot of extreme disappointment in myself and fear of what I have seen there is very little that can get me back except solid dry land where I can put all the emotions in a nice little box somewhere deep inside of me.
But she got me going again, enough to cross the river to where kayak boy and the three fishermen were with there big row boat. They looked like typical fishing guys that you would see on the river. Even though in any other state of mind I would have been worried about the situation, I mean really a remote river, three fishermen and I climb in and leave my group of people to go down river, practical a scene out of Deliverance. However in the current state I was in these boys were the most beautiful and wondrous men I had encountered. They comforted me, helped me into the boat and told me not to worry they had me and we headed down river.
Bo, Dave and Dave. Three of the most glorious fishermen I will never ever meet again. I hope they catch all the fish in the river for taking me down river in exchange for nothing. We had no money on us, nothing to repay the favor because it was done for nothing except it was the right thing to do. They were just glad they were there to help. We chatted down the river, when they got me out of the boat at the next available take out spot I hugged them all hard, told them I loved them and really tried to give them my information so that if they ever needed a bail out of jail I would be there in a heartbeat.
My next dog may very well get named BoDaveDave.
I had some time alone to start dealing with the knot in my stomach before kayak boy joined me down river. I later said he should have just gone with the group and I would be fine until they were done but that isn't how he rolls and so after the walk to get the car and the boats loaded we had some time to talk and reflect.
We had gotten ahead of ourselves. I had no business being on that river. We just wanted to have fun and hang out and took it too far and it was time to slow down and let me catch up appropriately in skill level. It was a good lesson learned with no really bad consequences except my bruised ego. But she is a strong bitch, she will be back in full swing in short order so really you can all stop worrying.
So now I have this karmic dept to repay. Apparently it doesn't count if I roam river roads looking for people to help. I have to let it happen. And I know it will because I am not done yet.
One step back is not me stopping. I can't let it because the water is my religion and my life and my ability to breathe.
No comments:
Post a Comment