River Kharma

Saturday was to be a 17 mile white water stretch on the Klikitat River.

Even now a few days later it is hard to write about this because it was a very intense experience that brought me back to a reality.

You see I have an ego.  A really strong one, I know shocking, right?  Never would have guessed.  Well I do and I own it.  I try to tell people to not feed the ego because it is already on the heavy side, but mostly I myself take it to whole new levels.  Well my ego got smacked upside the head pretty hard.

I had a bad feeling about the run from go.  When kayak boy mentioned it to me I just had this moment of feeling that made me tell him later to keep a good eye on me because I just had a bad feeling. Being the daughter of a clairvoyant and having a handful of my own moments in this world of having premonitions didn't help the situation.  So I went into it with the wrong energy, flat out.  My nerves were already on edge.  Next time I will know then to just get off the water and not venture farther than the put in.  Next time I will listen to the voice in my head.  I should have been filled with nervous excitement, not nervous fear. Recipe for disaster.

We set out.  I wiped out.  I wiped out again and again.  After the 3rd swim and a lecture from an ex cop (the latter of which helped the most of all...) my nerves were shot.  But we were out on the river on a remote run, there wasn't much that could be done except me breaking down.  There I am wet and in my boat and my energy just jolted by the reality that I was in over my head and that if I continued down the river what I had seen earlier in the week in my head was going to come true.  One of the ladies on the run appropriately named "Momma Bear" shooed all the men away from me including kayak boy who went across the river to talk to some fishermen.  I had made a comment that maybe the hill people could take me down river and somehow that unknown fate would be better than the predicament I was in.  So I sat there, broken and vulnerable which is a fair rarity for me.  I don't do the "weakest link" very well.  I only know how to be strong for myself and everybody else.  Since I was little I learned to avoid situations that would get me hurt/killed because nobody else was there to do it.  So I was very adept at keeping my situations and surroundings in control.

Here I was in tears on a remote section of the river being told female secrets that I cannot tell in a blog out of pure respect for the source they came from.  Come out with me on a river, if you have boobs I will disclose them, otherwise you are out of luck.  She did a fantastic job of talking to me.  The problem is once my brain goes to that rare spot of extreme disappointment in myself and fear of what I have seen there is very little that can get me back except solid dry land where I can put all the emotions in a nice little box somewhere deep inside of me.

But she got me going again, enough to cross the river to where kayak boy and the three fishermen were with there big row boat.  They looked like typical fishing guys that you would see on the river.  Even though in any other state of mind I would have been worried about the situation, I mean really a remote river, three fishermen and I climb in and leave my group of people to go down river, practical a scene out of Deliverance.  However in the current state I was in these boys were the most beautiful and wondrous men I had encountered.  They comforted me, helped me into the boat and told me not to worry they had me and we headed down river.

Bo, Dave and Dave.  Three of the most glorious fishermen I will never ever meet again.  I hope they catch all the fish in the river for taking me down river in exchange for nothing.  We had no money on us, nothing to repay the favor because it was done for nothing except it was the right thing to do.  They were just glad they were there to help.  We chatted down the river, when they got me out of the boat at the next available take out spot I hugged them all hard, told them I loved them and really tried to give them my information so that if they ever needed a bail out of jail I would be there in a heartbeat.

My next dog may very well get named BoDaveDave.

I had some time alone to start dealing with the knot in my stomach before kayak boy joined me down river.  I later said he should have just gone with the group and I would be fine until they were done but that isn't how he rolls and so after the walk to get the car and the boats loaded we had some time to talk and reflect.

We had gotten ahead of ourselves.  I had no business being on that river.  We just wanted to have fun and hang out and took it too far and it was time to slow down and let me catch up appropriately in skill level.  It was a good lesson learned with no really bad consequences except my bruised ego. But she is a strong bitch, she will be back in full swing in short order so really you can all stop worrying.

So now I have this karmic dept to repay.  Apparently it doesn't count if I roam river roads looking for people to help.  I have to let it happen.  And I know it will because I am not done yet.

One step back is not me stopping.  I can't let it because the water is my religion and my life and my ability to breathe.

Klickitat: A Story of Sheer Survival

Ha!

Not really but if it is one thing I am good at is being a little dramatic.

So did my real 2nd trip down White Water at the Klickitat with a buddy.  A little more intense than Nehalem and I am definitely showing some bruises from it.

Decided to practice my T Rescue.  Okay looked it up, the definition is a lot different than what I was told.  I feel totally ... duped!  Okay the official online definition is a lot less hazardous to my well-being and a lot less crazy.  Here is what I was told it was.

You flip over in the kayak, instead of kicking out and doing a wet exit, you stay in the boat, stick the oar under your arm, bang 3 times on the side of the boat and then start rubbing the sides of the boat until you feel the bow of your partner's bow.  Using that as balance you are supposed to snap with your hips back upright.  Now mind you there is a time warp.  When you are under water you are sure at least 20 minutes has gone by, you have set some record for a fat girl holding her breath. The reality, 2-5 seconds goes by.  Seriously.

Well the first time I did it, didn't go as planned.  Adrenalin pumped, I didn't even bother to use the spray skirt handle to pull out, I just took my strong ass legs with full panic mode and Bam! on the boat and did a wet exit.  Wow was my heart beating, hands shaking.

Not one to let fear set in I took a minute or 10 to collect myself, empty the water out of the boat and try again.  This time I held my breath a little bit better prior to flipping myself.  I managed to get a little further than the first time and I didn't have an adrenalin rush.  I held it a bit longer before I did the Bam! with the legs and out of the boat.  I count that as progress, man.

From reading on line the adrenalin rush and increased heart rate doesn't help when trying to hold your breath so I really need to work on the panic factor and remaining calm.

I was afraid if I didn't try again the fear of that first time would eat at me.  I didn't do it after that because we decided a more controlled environment devoted to just learning this skill was probably appropriate.  Because keep in mind we hadn't even started the run yet and all of this takes a wee bit of energy.

So the first few rapids I am able to stay in my boat, I ended up going in a couple of times and having to do some rescuing of a paddle and myself.  Got pretty beat up by some river rocks and have already decided I am going to tell people my buddy beats me with rocks when nobody is looking.  Had an audience for a couple of the flips which is all so hysterical.  What must they be thinking watching this fat girl flip over and then maneuver to land to only empty the boat out and get in and try again.  As their fat asses sit from their yard chairs, holding their beers.  Maybe I will make them think twice about their sedentary lives or more than likely they are thinking they have it right and they won't end up sputtering up river water like that crazy bitch out in the water.

One of the things I do battle with is how much I want to do this and how reliant I am on others in the craft to be there to essentially hold my hand/paddle.  It is very hard for me to accept from other people anything that I don't do an exchange for.  It goes against everything in me that needs to keep a fair exchange rate, a balance if you will.  And I have to repeat to myself something that has been imparted to me in my own head, "This was done for me, this is paying it forward.  Just pay it forward."

I can't wait to be the one paying it forward.  Hopefully to some sexy piece of man meats.  Just sayin'.

Camping Snapshot III: Going Down & Under - Busting Cherries

I got to play in some boats during the trip, I totally cheated on Lola and I didn't care.  Not one for the Poly-amorous lifestyle that is prevalent in PDX... as I am way too territorial about my man meat once I stake a claim, however in regards to kayaks I am totally Poly.  I have come to terms with it.  Lola will have to find her way of handling it as well.

I went into the weekend wanting to do a couple of things.  The big one was falling into the water.  On purpose.  Flipping my boat in a controlled environment.  Choosing when and where I lost my boat tipping virginity.  It was a beautiful spot for it for sure.  I will remember it always. And I did it with another boat first before Lola.  I got in a play-boat which is way different than Lola.  Lola is this sturdy thing that is stable and barely needs anything to control her.  When I was taking instruction from a friend he kept saying "keep your hips loose, use your hips"... well with Lola I didn't need to do any of that so I just sort of thought he was being perverted and wanting to see me wiggle around more, which I of course happily did.  But then I got in a little play boat... ooh daddy is all I got to say.  Well no it isn't actually.  Let me tell you I think some belly dancing classes would come in handy for Kayaking.  The little play boats are extremely sensitive to hip movements, much like most men are...

So as I am moving around my hips and playing I get caught in a little current and Bam!  I felt myself going and I just went with the flow.  It was a lot scarier thinking about falling out and doing a wet exit than it was doing it.  It was kind of fun to do it.  So I kept doing it... a lot.  I just kept falling out of whichever boat I was playing in just because.  Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not so much.

So I ended up taking a creek boat down some rapids, at first I had a bigger boat but one of the other girls was having issues with how tippy creek boats are and she kept falling in, a rope rescue had to be done as she came down the rapids sans boat, so I switched with her because as I have established... I kind of enjoy falling in and plus I was better equipped to get myself out and back in the water than she was so it just seemed logical.  It's what I do :).

Okay let's be honest for a second... I wasn't being totally self-less.  I wanted to play in another boat... yes I am a Boat-Ho, I admit it.  I have a problem, I love boats and I want to play with them all.  Let's not limit that to just kayaks.  If it floats on water... I want to play with it.

So I did my first rapids. I looked uber dorky in a borrowed helmet, so going to have to get something that brings out the blue in my eyes and accessorize properly... something cute in a dark purple or blue color I am thinking.

But I did it.  I did white water :)  I am now a full on junkie.

Me looking uber dorky after running white water and successfully staying in the boat :).  I had a mishap during one rapid where I didn't keep paddling and I started woo-ing too soon.  Well premature Woo-ing can lead to a wet exit pretty darn quick let me just tell you.  I came out of the water still Woo-ing though :).

Of course I put my fins on to do some swimming proper like.  So me and one of the guys were putzing around in our fins when I just looked at him with what I know had to be a gleam in my eye and said, "let's go down the rapids in our fins!" giggling a little maniacally.... his response "where do you think I was headed?".  Love it when there is a true partner in crime beside me.

Well it was fun as shit.  I have the black and blue marks from being pounded against river rocks as a memory.  My ass is literally black and blue... The rocks spanked me like I was a bad little girl, lol.

Camping Snapshot II: Pancakes in a Can!

I think for my first camping trip in over a decade I got spoiled by this group.  We had so much food and so many luxuries during our "roughing it", it is kind of comical.  We kept making jokes that we had everything except the kitchen sink.  And then I found an add for a camping kitchen sink, only $50... totally have to get it now just to be the one to say... oh "it's cool guys I got the kitchen sink"!

I did discover that you pancakes can come in a can.  Completely organic too! lol

We had a few lessons in Ax wielding for our Ax Beginners, for those moments when the logs you buy pre-cut are just too big and you want something smaller.  We came prepared, we had three varieties of wood cutting implements that were pulled out.  My guess is if we asked there may have been more... a little on the prepared side we were.  Crabs, Crawdads, Sausage/Corn Pancakes, Eggs, and I can't remember everything else... but lots of food and decadence. 

My role was commentator and woo-girl while sitting next to said fire.  Woo!

Camping Snapshot I: Orgy of The Salamander

The adventure started with me almost ditching my friend.  I was following him and all of the sudden we were in the Suburbia of campgrounds.  People everywhere, vending machines, motor homes, ugly people, it was horrific.  I stopped breathing for a second and then started planning on how to ditch him "by accident".  And then he left the horrors of the strip mall campground and continued forth onto an unmarked gravel road and I guess this is really where it begins.

It began with the sacrifice of a small mammal.  Going up this winding one and a half lane, pot hole ridden, gravel road there is not much you can do when in the middle of the swirling dust a small rodent like creature decides to spread its guts on your car.  I had no choice and in the end I turned it into a positive instead of a negative.

I mean really I thought it was a good omen.  I took care of the death and destruction jinx done right off the bat, I pretty much saved lives and with this group... we needed all the help we could get.

We stopped at a couple places that barely looked like anything to find the right spot.  The one we ended up at was perfect.  You couldn't tell what it was from the road.  You go down this rutty dirt path and it opens to a clearing that overlooks the Nehalem River.  You have to go down the embankment to the water but that is it.  Just out in nature.  When I tell you my soul was in heaven, that is an understatement.

I felt like I was finally able to breath.  I was left alone for a while while a trip was made back to town to get the other folks in the party (off the grid, no cell service... lovely!).   I had no desire to go back, friend said "wow you really don't want to leave do you?"  Not one single cell in my body wanted to go, he was right and I was transparent as all get out.  All I wanted to do was get in the water.  So I did.  Cold river water.  After pitching tents, I swam around, set the Crawdad traps because that was going to be dinner later in the trip, fresh from the river.  Then I took a nap on the embankment across from our tents, well covered in sun screen, lol.  I enjoyed being there all alone without a soul in the world.  My soul started to feast and I could breath again.  Best high in the world.

And then the others came.  Queue ominous music... haha

Hardly!  Fun folk came. We started our explorations and we saw some kinky shit.

First off and really the best of the whole trip:... the Salamander Orgy.  Dozens of Salamanders all doing nasty, slimy things against each other.  OKay maybe in my gutter mind that is what they were doing.  I am sure some bio-chick/dude will have a counter argument to my theory and come up with some ridiculous natural reason for them to do that but after Googling for an extensive 2 minutes and finding nothing I think our conclusion was completely full of merit and of win, Salamander Orgy.

Just sayin.

Snapshot: Lola

So what happened, what was that click that made me kayak?

Well I was on this hiking kick, big hiking kick and I was doing the Hardy Ridge Trail Loop over in Washington State.  When I got to the hike I talked to the ranger and talked about my fear of exposure and he said it was steep but I would be fine.

So the first 4 miles were fine, nice equestrian path, wide, no shear drop offs, steep but good for a nice calf burn, nothing crazy.  At one point we saw a black bear, for this NYC girl that was pretty damn exciting.  We kind of looked at each other and the normal things of "should I run or act big" did not run through my head, what ran through my head was "can I get my phone out and get a picture for FB in time".  Yeah FB is no doubt the cause of many deaths in our country that we don't yet have statistics on.

So me and my girls walk,  we get to the end of the equestrian part of the loop, there is a little sign next to the little trail saying hikers only.  So by now I have invested 4 miles into this hike. I can't turn back now.  The internet said there were some incredible views at the top, I had to see.  So I continue.  I continue on the steepest, narrowest path I have ever been on.  1 foot wide, I kid you not.  At a certain point while I am hugging the wall of the mountain I just tell myself "you have no choice but to keep on going, going back is soooo not an option (that looked scary as hell) and you don't want to live up here so get moving".  I took some deep breaths, worked through my panic, focused on just the ground in front of me and trekked on.

I get to the top, made some friends, freaked out at the propensity of falling to my death and completely in awe of the view.  Took a wonderful picture or two while I had my ass attached to the ground.  Freaked out every time one my dogs climbed around the edges.

I met two guys up there and instead of letting them see me freak out more and having a lovely snack with them I decided to bolt down the mountain, because this was my Everest and I wanted down.  So this was a loop.  Thank god.  Because if I had to go down what was known in my head, it just wasn't happening.  There would have to be some gorgeous and really strong rescue guys involved in getting my fat ass down.

The only thing saving me was the fact that it was the unknown.  So I proceeded.  Mostly on my ass because steep was kind of an understatement.  I just got on my ass and scooted down the other side.  Muttering little things to myself about just going and not dying and that this 10 mile loop wasn't going to kill me.

So I made it. 10 miles, 2200ft elevation climb and a wicked wicked sunburn, because apparently the sun is a lot brighter when you climb up 2200ft.  And this is where we circle back in the story to my original topic.  Sunday morning roles around, I am beyond sunburned so I am not allowed to be outside playing.  So I decided to go shopping.  Somewhere up on Everest I decided that being down on water was more appealing, I think it was here:

So me with my wicked sunburn rolled into Next Adventure (NA) here in Portland, OR and I just started talking to the person behind the counter, Sam doing my usual flirting and fun play thing I do with everybody.  Now my NA shopping adventure is a whole other story but I started walking around looking at the Kayaks, looking at their weight capacity because that is one thing I am limited by.  I need something to be able to support my ass, kind of important.

And then I saw her.  I saw her and knew her name and knew she would get anything she wanted from me.  I saw Lola:

She is kind of a big girl, but that is okay I love her and her badunk-a-dunk booty.  And I didn't realize it at the time but she weighs 59lbs, the exact amount of weight I had lost to date at that time.  I realized that a couple weeks later when I was getting strong enough to lift her solo on and off my car, that I used to walk around with that much extra weight on me.

I fell in love with an orange and yellow boat.  Love at first sight.  She has ruled my life since.

I didn't buy her in that moment.  I went online did some research on fat girls that kayak, not a lot out there so I made some leaps of faith.  Took a class with a cute instructor from NA, aren't they all just cute?  Sheesh.  I think Kayaks lure cute boys into their grasps so they are well represented in the community.  That or I am just blinded by love of the kayaks.  So I did some due diligence.  Then I got a rack put on my car and I spent 4 hours harassing all the NA sales people and buying stuff and away I went.

I found something that feeds my soul.  After 36 years I have something that makes me smile from deep inside.  I never had that before.  I felt like there was something wrong with me because I hadn't found it yet.

What makes you smile from deep within?

Start of a Journey (Just a little delayed)

As I paddled today I realized I have stories to tell and to share.  To what end, problem cyber never-never land.  I understand that but for me documenting this will be something to look back on and feel great about.

The thing about this feeling that flows through me, I never want to lose it.  If I have to put words to screen to remember for the days that I might lose my path then so be it.

A couple weeks ago on a paddle down the Willamette to the Blues Festival in Portland, OR I had a woman say, "You are an inspiration." when I talk about how I just do what I do.  I jokingly say, "Nooo! Don't feed the ego".  Because I am a pretty girl and have a strong sense of who I am and my ego is pretty big as is...  But in reality I think I am starting to get it and it isn't ego talking it is a reality of our world that I seem to be doing something people have a hard time doing.  Breaking out of their defined existence.  Definitions put on us from various sources, skin color, sexual orientation, physical ailments, psychological ailments and I could go on.

For me there is one item that defines in so many ways because it is there on the table, in the room and in the mirror and in my head and it is the same for a lot of America these days.

I am fat.

A am fat-fit.

However you would like to describe me I refuse to get into a box and be defined by the extra weight and have it limit me.  Does it limit me?  Of course it does.  Hell if I can do a pull up at the gym (yet), but can I modify most things to work with how my body is now, yes.  100% yes.  Will that help me get to where I want to be?  Gosh I hope so but if it doesn't I am having a hell of a good time along the way.

As I paddled down the Columbia River today I saw people of all sizes walking along the water.  Most of them looked at me and smiled and waved.  I wonder, are they smiling because they see a fat girl on a kayak and that just has to be amusing?  Are they smiling because I am out there on the water and they understand, wish they could be out there with me?  Are they just that friendly?

I like to think it's because they see a fat girl kayaking.


This blog will be used to explore my kayak journey.  So I have it written.  I may have missed documenting the first month of my journey but I will snapshot back to those moments and capture what I can from the feelings that were there that still reside in me today.

I am breaking out of my "defined box". Will I wait for the weight to be gone to live my life and be me, oh hell no.

How are you breaking out?